Teenagers can seem to have their phones glued to their hands – yet they won’t answer them when they ring. This scenario, which is all too familiar to many parents, can seem absurd and frustrating, or even alarming to some. Yet it also speaks volumes about the way 13-to-18-year-olds now connect (or fail to connect) with others. If smartphones are ever-present in the daily lives of adolescents, this does not mean they are using their devices in the same way adults do.
This reluctance to “pick up the phone” isn’t just a generational trait: it signals a deeper transformation in communication practices, social norms and digital etiquette.
There is actually much more to this muted approach to communication than the cliché of the “unreachable” teen. The social, affective and emotional dynamics at play among this age group are all worth deciphering.
Controlling the conversation
“I never answer calls unless it’s my mum, or an emergency, like a surprise test at school, or a friend who freaks out about something,” says 15-year-old Léa with a laugh. Behind this seemingly trivial comment lies a deeper change than meets the eye. Phones, long considered the quintessential voice tools designed for live conversation, are now used less and less to actually make calls.
For teenagers, voice calls are no longer the default mode of communication. Instead, they are becoming the exception, used in very specific contexts, like emergency situations, moments of distress or when immediate comfort is required. In all other cases, texting is the preferred option. The reason isn’t laziness: written communication – text messages, voice notes, or DMs on Snapchat and Instagram – offers a completely different relationship to time, emotions and self-control.
Picking up the phone means being available here and now, with no safety net, and no delay. For many teenagers, this immediacy is perceived as stressful, a loss of control. There is no time to think about what you want to say. You might stammer, say too much or too little, express yourself poorly, or get caught off guard.
Written communication, by contrast, allows for greater control, offering options like drafting, deleting and rewriting, postponing, and smoothing things over. It is easier to communicate effectively when you can first remain silent.
The desire for control over time, words and emotions is not just a teenage whim. It reflects a broader way of navigating social relationships through screens, one in which every individual grants themselves the right to choose when, how, and how intensely to connect.
In this context, phones become a flexible interface that connects and protects. It provides connections with possible escape routes.
“When I see ‘Dad mobile’ pop up on my screen, I will let it ring. I don’t have the energy to answer a barrage of questions. I’d rather just text him after he hangs up,” says 16-year-old Mehdi.
This type of reaction doesn’t necessarily imply rejection or indifference: it is more about the need for space, deferring the exchange, managing it according to one’s own emotional resources in the moment.
Ironically, phones have become tools to avoid talking. Or more precisely, tools to decide when and how to let the voice in – all in the name of maintaining balance in relationships.
A weekly e-mail in English featuring expertise from scholars and researchers. It provides an introduction to the diversity of research coming out of the continent and considers some of the key issues facing European countries. Get the newsletter!
The right to remain silent
Not picking up is no longer deemed rude and has become a choice: a deliberate way to set boundaries in a hyperconnected world where everyone is expected to be reachable – at any time, and through all sorts of channels.
For many teenagers, not answering, either immediately or at all, is part of a deliberate strategy to disconnect, which is seen as a right worth defending.
“Sometimes I leave my phone on silent mode on purpose. That way, I can have some peace,” says Elsa, 17.
This strategy speaks to a desire to regain control of one’s time and attention. Where previous generations may have seen the phone as a promise of connection and closeness, today’s teenagers sometimes experience it as a source of pressure.
In this new way of managing one’s availability, silence is a form of communication in itself. It does not necessarily signal rejection: rather, it seems like an implicit norm where availability is no longer assumed. It must be requested, negotiated and constructed.
As Lucas, 16, explains: “My friends know I won’t answer right away. They send a Snap first, like, ‘you up for a call?’ If not, forget it.”
This ritual highlights a change in attitude. Calling someone out of the blue can feel like a breach of digital etiquette. By contrast, waiting for the right moment and checking in first before calling turn out to be signs of respect.
This means that the phone is no longer just a communication tool. It’s becoming a space for relationship building where silence, far from being a void, is seen as a necessary breath of fresh air, a pause in the flow, and a right to privacy.
Politeness 2.0: time for an update
“Is voice calling considered rude now?” a father wonders. For many adults, the absence of a voice reply is viewed as an affront and a breach of basic communication rules. From a teenager’s point of view, though, not picking up does not mean rejection: it just highlights the emergence of new codes of conduct.
These codes redefine the contours of what could be called “digital politeness”. Where a phone call was once seen as a gesture of care, it may now be perceived as intrusive. Meanwhile, responding via message offers structure, time to think and a chance for clearer expression, and also the option to defer or sidestep without causing open conflict.
It is not that teenagers lack empathy. They simply express it differently, in more subtle, asynchronous ways. With peers, they share unspoken rituals, like texting before calling, sending emojis to articulate mood or availability, and implicit rules on when is a good time to talk. What some adults interpret as coldness or distance is, in fact, another form of attention.
As long as we are willing to accept these new perspectives and discuss them without judgment, it is possible to view this transformation not in terms of a breakdown of social ties, but as a subtle reinvention of the ways we relate to one another.
Reinventing connections
Rather than viewing this silence on the phone as a crisis in communication, perhaps we should see it as an opportunity to reinvent the way we talk to each other. Tensions can be defused, and a calmer form of communication can be built with teenagers, if adults acknowledge that the rules have changed and that this is no big deal.
It might start with a simple, honest conversation about preferences: some teens prefer texts for practical info, voice messages for sharing emotions (to say, for example, you are thinking of them) and a call only in emergency situations. Putting these preferences and habits into words and agreeing on them is already a way of connecting, and building trust.
Before calling, one might want to send a quick message asking if the person is free to talk, moving away from a logic of command and control and into that of shared availability.
It’s equally important to learn to embrace silence. Not replying immediately (or at all) isn’t necessarily a sign of rejection or disinterest. Sometimes it is just a way to breathe, refocus, and protect one’s mental space. It is a form of self-respect.
Finally, it is also worth reflecting on our own habits: what if we, as adults, explored new ways to show we care – ways that don’t necessarily involve making a phone call? An emoji, photo, or a short or delayed message can be just as meaningful. Attention does not always have to come in the form of a ringtone.
Bridging the generation gap does not mean returning to landline phones, but rather learning to understand each other’s codes, desires and routines. After all, what teenagers are asking us is not to communicate less, but to communicate better.
